Ahhh, shudduppayourface

When I was pregnant I swore I would punch the very next parent who advised me to catch up on sleep, "while you can".

They'd look at me and shake their heads from side to side, muttering that I had no idea what was in store for me, making it sound as though my life was suddenly about to turn into a Stanley Kubric film. I used to hate their smug know-it-allness.

Then today, as I walked up to my local shopping centre, I ran into an old friend who I haven't seen in years. Upon learning that he was expecting his first bub, I heard those dreaded pearls of wisdom escape my lips: Make sure you get your sleep in NOW. He politely nodded and somehow managed not to flick me on the forehead in annoyance, replying simply: "Yeah - so I've been told". (And probably a million times at that).

Upon reflection, I realise my mate Jeff had caught me on a bad day. Frankie had been up all night in pain, and I'd managed about 2hours rest sporadically throughout the evening. When I went for my walk to the shops I had baby spew on my T-shirt. I couldn't be bothered to brush my hair and I can't even recall whether I'd managed to shower this morning. I wasn't even wearing a bra because I've come to the conclusion that they're far too bothersome to worry about nowadays. Somewhere along the line I seem to have forgotten that people should make an effort when they go out in public! And that is what led to the excuses.... and the "make sure you sleep NOW" advice.

The truth is, I've seen enough films and had enough friends and aquaintances with children to know that sleep was always going to be sacrificed in the early years. Therefore, the lack of shut-eye wasn't ever a surprise to me. What was a surprise, however, was the sheer exhaustion that comes with week upon week (and dear god, I presume I have months of this to look forward to?) of interrupted slumber.

I believe now that Vampires have it lucky. Sure, they're awake all night, but they get a good old kip during the light of day. I'd settle for whatever time I could get right now. Bill Compton, you need to quit your "Woe is me, I don't have a heartbeat" whinging and enjoy that beauty sleep while you've got it! At the moment I feel like I'm facing an eternity of 4am Quantum Leap re-runs.

As of this day I'm going to make a solemn vow to myself to never, ever, bring up the S-word when I hear about friends' pregnancies. And I lobby my fellow parents to do the same. Let us live out our lives in a secret club, and keep the joys and difficulties to ourselves. These crazy kids who are about to embark on a voyage into the world of parenthood will discover soon enough the feelings for themselves... our advice isn't necessarily priceless to them, and I think we'd do well to remember that.

And let's face it. The sleepless nights are tough to describe until you've been through it yourself. But so too is the joy of seeing your own flesh and blood smiling up at you, loving you unconditionally and completely oblivious to the dark circles under your eyes.