Becoming Mum, and the pressures of perfection

Reading 'The Mother Load' article from this weekend's Sydney Morning Herald (28/01/12) got me thinking. When was it that women threw instinct to the wind and chose to bow to an idealised image of perfect parenting? According to the Elisabeth Badinter, author of The Conflict: The Woman and the Mother, we have seemingly lost ourselves in the process of Becoming Mum, and the result is a new generation where child is king.

Badinter argues that modern motherhood is fundamentalist, and I must agree. When I was pregnant, I was looked down upon in the office kitchen for speading peanut butter on toast in "my condition". More than one person felt it necessary to tell me that eating nuts during pregnancy could lead to my child having allergies. I felt like screaming, "What about the millions of Indonesian women?" who eat nut-rich Gado Gado Satay as a staple part of their diet yet don't have any allergy epidemics? It's not exactly like the Japanese give up Sushi when they get pregnant, yet God Help the Aussie mum-to-be who wants to hoe into a nice piece of Sashimi.

The hunt for perfection is spiralling out of control. I have friends who have been made to feel so guilty for their inability to breastfeed that they have wallowed into the waters of depression. Nowadays, if your child is not exclusively breastfed you are led to believe that they will sprout a third ear and develop zucchini-mush for brains.

And breastfeeding is just the first stage of the food bullying cycle. Once 'real' food is introduced it must be scrutinised to ensure it is sugar free, egg free, gluten free, and organic. Gone are the days when whiskey was rubbed onto the gums of crying children, bothered by the emergence of tiny teeth. Bring up that remedy at your local Mothers' Group and watch Social Services turn up at your doorstep quicker than you can say "dirty nappy".

One can not discuss the pressures of perfection without addressing the issue of sleep. Babies must - of course - be sleeping through the night at three months of age. If they aren't self-settling at this stage than it is your fault for creating an environment of dependency  and you have unwittingly coaxed them into a lifetime of sleep behavioural issues due to your own incompetence. But don't worry! You can play Pick'n'Mix with hundreds of different routine books, all of which offer a unique approach to streamlining your child's sleeping patterns with other babies'. But if your baby doesn't fit the 'mould', just remember it is your fault, not theirs...

Does anyone else feel that mothers aren't allowed to show any dents in their armour?You can admit it is tough, but don't you dare say you aren't coping. Oh no - just make sure you are buying the latest learning-development toys, ensuring your child doesn't ever come into contact with the sun, donning your best Beauty Pageant Queen smile and pretending all is fine. Heaven forbid you greive your old life for even a moment. How dare you yearn for your former independence?

Badinter asserts that no matter what you do now, you will never win as a mother. When your children are teenagers, you will (at some point) be the villain so why get so caught up trying to be Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes now? Women who devote all their time to their children will forget who they once were as independent, childless spirits. And let us not forget that it is independent spirits we are trying to encourange in our own children. So why not throw caution to the wind, relax a little, and give ourselves a break. A little self-congratulatory pat on the back wouldn't do any harm either!